> There is a high chance you will die or suffocate.
>
> My apartment is less than 2 minutes walk from the office (thank God) and all the eateries equally close (massive meal, really yummy inc drinks £3) but last night was STUPID enough to go with an old colleague down his neck of the woods. I was last out of the office (nothing changed) at 5.40 (that's changed) and outside was CHAOS - Jeez, the traffic is beyond description, and these guys just can't drive. My local 'escort' says she hasn't passed her test ("my sister took it for me") and says "I only had two bumps last week!" with great pride. It's a performing zoo on the road.
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> We couldn't get a taxi because I was so late (!!) so jupmed in one of those 'tug tug' things - it's like a scooter with a small shed welded onto the back. It's about as big as a dog kennel, and can just about fit 2 Chinese people in, or 1.5 British men, if they sit on each other, which I didn't take kindly too. It was sort of funny, in the same way riding on the back of a killer shark would be fun - I thought we;d be crushed at any moment. Anyway, even that got stuck, despite much shouting, waving and honking. Their answer to anything is to honk. In Britian, we'd wave each other out (unless it's a BMW driver) or say "After you, my good chap!", but these guys are bonkers.
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> We jumped out and my pal - eager to show how well he knew the place (he's been here a year) - took me down into the underground tube thing. Seen the film of the attendants pushing people into the carriages? Honestly, the doors open, and no matter how PACKED it looks, they take a run and just shove on! You are so tight, you literally can't move an arm, and your nose is touching the person next to you (naturally, I got a bloody bloke - lesson learned there!) - absolute pandemonium. When we finally got off (remember, it's boiling hot here, and - as a gentleman representing Great Britain - I refuse to wear anything less than a full suit to the office) I recall making a defining statement:
>
> "THIS IS LIKE LIVING INSIDE THE BASIL BRUSH SHOW!"
>
> A strange thing to say....but somehow quite appropriate.
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> After a very nice meal (which ended up down my shirt again - I simply CANNOT use chopsticks, so am going to satrt carrying my own knife & fork about, even if it does stick in the person that's jammed next to me on the tube!) my pal said "You'll have to get a taxi back, I've got a conference call at 9pm" and left me too it, grinning. Ever tried to tell a Chinese taxi driver where you want to go...when you don't actually know where you live....and he doesn't understand a WORD of English? In the end, he threw me out, and I had to wave another down (well, stand in front of one and hope he wants a fiver more than the pleasure of running you over). I pointed which way I wanted to go, and he kept driving until I recognised the office. A near miss, I assure you - I could so easily still be driving around with him honking and jabbering.
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> Anyway, I'll leave it at that for now, because I'm not even sure if this will get posted on the blog. Any kind of social media - blogs / Twatter / Facebook etc is blocked. Even if you type "how to access Twitter in China" into Google, the answers are blocked!!! Anyway, my pal Ian thinks this will work, although the layout is beyond my control. But us British shall never be defeated, let alone by a man named after a cat (Chairman Meeeow).
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> Boom boom, Mr Derek!
>
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