When is a cow...not a cow?

Am I being dim?

 

I've missed lots of things since I've been here...a decent chippy (even a BAD chippy would be good!) - a Indian take-away...a decent brew...a decent shag (that's not to infer I've been having bad shags....or any shags....oh, forget I said it!)....and a decent brew, of course.

 

I've had a food parcel from the White Cross, possibly via Bob Geldof, of a box of decent tea bags, which I ration. The other day,  became determined to get some proper milk to go with them, the production of which would - in some way - hopefully involve a cow.

 

At the same time, having recovered from SARS / foot & mouth myself, I wanted to restock on Paracetamol etc, ready for leprosy, radioactive smog inhalation or whatever awful disease would befall me next. So I set off in search of a chemist. Strangely, although shops here can openly sell fake designer clothes, DVD's - even cars - supermarkets cannot sell drugs of any sort. If these people are ill, they pay to see a doctor who mixes up a potion made from crushed dinosaur bones and cat piss. It inevitably smells like creosote.

 

Like King Arthur, I set off on my quest for not one, but two, Holy Grails - some fresh milk and some headache tablets.

 

I walked for bloody miles.

 

I'd like to say the 'fresh'air cleared my head, but after several hours of searching like Indiana bloody Jones, my head was ready to explode in frustration.

 

I found a large supermarket that had a large refrigerator full of milk, so thought I'd struck gold. I bought the most expensive, assuming it was more likely to rally BE milk as opposed to white paint.

 

As for the headache tablets, after walking several continents, when I asked back at my apartments, the reception said "There is a chemist in the block next door - 1st floor". Totally logical - how silly of me to not think I'd find a chemist half way up an apartment block instead of on a city street!!

 

I went upstairs like a teenager about to unhook his first bra, and used one of my priceless M&S luxury tea bags...even used bottled water in the kettle. I opened up the carton, tipped it and......GLOOP - out plopped some gunk, and a scummy mess floated on the top of my brew.

 

A quick sniff revealed...

 

Yogurt.

 

For f*cks sake!! The bloody carton was in the MILK section and IT HAD A PICTURE OF A COW ON THE FRONT. What more research could I do?

 

Should I have asked the assistant via a phrase book? No - I REFUSE to use a phrase book - makes me look 50% a tosser and 50% a bloody tourist.

 

Next time I buy a TWIX (for a fiver) should I ask "Excuse me, my good man - within this wrapper which clearly simulates that of a TWIX chocolate bar, would I actually find the same? Or does it actually contain a chocolate coated dog turd?"

 

Determined to have a bloody cup of tea of some sort, I ran downstairs to the little shop in my block - closed 5 minutes early, at 8.25 pm. Then my room key decided to stop working, and I could hear my laptop making that noise when someone is SKYPING me.

 

All in all - a shit day. No milk, plain yogurt for tea....

 

.....and I still have a banging headache....