Perfect Diet....

I've always been a compulsive & spontaneous shopper.

 

Once, we went out for a Sunday drive and ended up buying a house.

 

Since then I'm rarely allowed to even go to Tesco, as I can't be trusted not to fill the trolley with a load of stuff we don't need and thus spend money we don't have.

 

The other day, I was shopping and decided I'd buy some of the things I miss, so first in went some whisky. The British amongst you will know why it was closely followed by some lemons and some honey, although I'm not sure how close the honey has been to a bee's arse, as there is no reference to bees on the jar....it's probably as genuine as my new 'Timberland' boots (£20)....

 

I was tempted to chuck in some ladies underwear, but learned ages ago that buying THAT really IS a waste of time. I've more chance of the bloody bee wearing it...

 

Next in went some bacon...I miss nice bacon....and last night was the night - no, not for the underwear (Christmas trip home, when Santa's sack gets emptied) - yes, last night was bacon butty night. I was getting quite excited as I tried to figure out how to turn the cooker on (room for a rude gag there, too!!) but, as is often the case, it all turned out to be a let down.

 

As I opened the packet, I became a tad concerned - it didn't smell much like the stuff I get from Tesco (sorry Mr Local Butcher)...but worse was to come.

 

With a pile between some typically stodgy & bland bread, I tucked in.

 

It was shite. Bacon? My arse. At best, it was Hammy the Hamster if not Champion the Wonder Horse or his mate, Rebel the Dog (I'm showing my age here). And I soon donated it to the bin.

 

I had two bowls of Frosties instead, with some 'milk' that came from the same bloody farm as the bacon and the honey. And all ashed down with some whisky. By now, I was past caring, and couldn't be bothered to make a hot toddy (hence the lemon and honey, for the cretins amongst you - Doh!)  so it was neat.

 

Drowning assorted sorrows, I checked my emails and anyone with a lessor brain than mine would have been cheered up to read:

 

 

Hello Grumpy Bastard  (ok I changed my name)

This is not a joke, you are the one, chosen out of 150,000 The Information Shop recipients!

Congratulations! You have been selected as a possible winner of 2 x £ 1,000 shopping vouchers:
Argos - Currys - TopShop - Boots!

If selected please CLICK HERE.

This offer is highly limited and only available to a selected few!
Your possible win: two shopping vouchers of a value of £ 1,000 each.

>>Check here<<

We are extremely happy for you!
Your 1000-vouchers Team

 

Now - is that not all a contradiction of terms? How can be - as it says on the first line - "THE ONE...." and then on the next line be the "possible winner"? To add more confusion, I then fall further into being merely one of "...a selected few" and then just a "possible win"....

 

Huh - I've never won anything....well, apart from the laptop I'm typing on now....but.....that doesn't count because it doesn't fit in with the story....so that's a contradiction of the contradiction....I guess.....

 

No - I'll not bother entering.....I've more chance of shagging that pig and then being stung by that bloody bee....