I'm in Yuxi, Kuming at the moment...that means as much to you as it did me before I got here, let's be honest!! As always, I hadn't a clue where I was going until the machine at the airport printed out my tickets when I'd shoved my passport in. 'Kunming' still meant nothing to me - I don't know if I'm north, south, east or west...all I know it was a bloody long flight - 3 hours - which shows just how big China is - that's like you flying to Spain for your holidays!!
The landing was awful - I'd been warned (once I was on the plane) that it was notoriously bad, due to mountains & the climate - and it certainly was. Much vomiting and screaming. I was typically British of course - steely cool in 007 style but inwardly thinking "I'M GOING TO F*CKING DIE!" (By the way, did I tell you my Chinese name is 007? It really is!! On my visa!!)
The city is known as 'Spring City' because of the constant climate...it's lovely, the nicest place I've been here - so much greener...trees (with birds!! Lovely to hear them!) and it could almost be Europe. One photo above shows the artificial beach they've made to cash in on the warm weather, but the construction across the water reminds one that we're still in 'expanding China'.
The pace here is much slower...the boss of the business I'm visiting keeps sacking people because "They walk slow...drive slow...think slow...work slow..." (I got on well with him!) so has taken to bringing in people from outside, and putting them up in large apartments...I visited one tonight where they live...5 bedrooms etc and total rent is 200 quid a month...mine in Beijing has 2 bedrooms and is 2 GRAND a month...mind, it's nicer...and it has a drum kit in it now...
The business I visited had the same 'plant pots' promotion I mentioned previously....spend a few squillion quid and you get to plant a seed....I did a couple of weeks ago, during a quiet 'moment' where I have my own, private thoughts that reach out like a rainbow 5,037 miles across the world...today I saw them all flowering, and it made me think of sheer beauty...
That night, I was taken to the usual 'famous' restaurant (they always are) but to be fair, the food was edible, mainly because I didn't ask what it was (I think my people phone ahead and warn them what I'm like) but they DID make me drink an awful lot. They are so nice, they'd heard I was from Manchester so had done some research...you try discussing Wayne Rooney (without using the word 'tosser'), Coronation Street and Jodrell bloody Bank via an interpreter who was more pissed than me. Anyway, they thought we said 'Bottom up!" EVERY time we touched a glass, so I was constantly standing up, and downing the contents of my glass in one. Worse, we had both red wine and local Bijou, which in 54% nitric acid and blows your bloody head off, so I was soon daft as a brush...
Worse was to come - they insisted I went with them to climb a mountain (because it was FAMOUS) in the dark, and my protests were ignored - I was in my suit (standards - I never take my jacket off or loosen my tie - I'm 007, remember?) but they seemed oblivious to the fact I was half pissed....
I'll skip on a bit now, but suffice to say it was bloody hard work, and I nearly gave up several times, resigned to death by dingo or grizzly bear as I slept under a tree, but with lots of jibbering and shouting, I got to the top, and a spectacular view & monument. It was all a bit to much and my mind travelled that 5,037 miles again along that rainbow....and I will never forget someone discreetly handing me a tissue with the broken words of "I am thinking you are a little sad Mister..."
Today, I was invited to visit a production line - I assumed relating to the business I was visiting....but, no, 30 minutes later, I found myself in a huge cigarette factory - absolutely bog all to do with my work here!! Seems my hosts thought I'd like it (same way they thought I'd like eating boiled budgie and drinking 2 bottles of rocket fuel and then climbing f*cking Everest)...it was mighty impressive, if you like fag factories...and I enjoyed playing with the panoramic thingy on my camera. Again. Get used to it guys!
I've been struggling with the internet all day today - took me 5 hours to upload the 4 files that made up this week's Mr G column, and I actually threw my laptop across the room at one point. I have to connect to a server in Beijing, then one in Germany to send stuff, and at times, I could cry. Even sending this (from my hotel on Tuesday evening) has taken 2 hours to get to this very point - constant crashes, photo's not uploading...it's heartbreaking....
And tomorrow...I have that return flight to look forward to....
PS I'm tired & want to go to bed, and I"ve a feeling some of the photo's may end up being the wrong way round again....I can't open the attached files to check because I have to go via....etc etc....I dispair. Give me a cuddle, someone....please....this is so hard!!!
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