I'm in Shenzhen this week - "reet darn sarf " China - just a spit or two from Hong Kong (literally - just seen people do it!)
It's boiling hot - 33 degrees today and incredibly humid - walking out of the air-conditioning of the airport hit me like a brick wall of intense heat. Naturally, I have kept my tie & jacket on, just as James Bond 0069 would....I is BRITISH and need to show how we do things!!!! People often sate at me as I travel...sometimes it's because I is the only 'white westerner' around, sometimes because I am just SO good looking (this one is open to debate, I confess) and sometimes because my flies are undone...today, I strongly suspect it's because I am the only knob walking around in a suit & tie!!!
Bizarre - because last week, the place was flooded & we had to postpone our visit. It wasn't so much a giant tidal wave had come in from HK or anything as much as the total lack of GRIDS here in China...it's amazing how few simple grids you see on the roads & pavements, so it doesn't take a genius to work out the root cause (just a Brit!!) - maybe they'll get round to inventing grids about the same time as discovering the immense advantages knives & forks offer as eating utensils over 2 thin sections of a garden fence...hell, even the Romans had drains, and even gave knives & forks to the lions with which to eat slaves & gladiators in the Colosseum on a Saturday afternoon (kick off 3pm!) - which reminds me...I watched 'POMPEII' the other night. Daft, but fun, although the ending was a tad predictable ( a bit like 'THE TITANIC' was...)....but I swear I noticed grids along the streets...didn't help the lava, but bet it stopped flooding when it pissed down...
Anyway, I digress...
On my flight today, I had the pleasure of sitting behind a COCK from America (might have guessed) - he was a ginger, too, which made him an even bigger twat. When we were landing, the stewardess reminded him "all electrical devices must be turned off" - but he refused to switch off his ipad (on which he was watching a very intelligent documentary, staring Sylvester Stallone with a large gun) - he kept pointing to the TV monitors dotted around the plane which showed flight information etc, claiming "it is no more dangerous than those!" - total cock. Whenever I come across these arse-holes with a FUCK YOU attitude, it's usually a burger-eater, German or Frenchie. The Frenchies are easily identifiable, because they fling their hands up in the air, to make an even bigger scene...
Reading the CHINA DAILY (well, a day-old copy) I noticed an item about a new museum / art exhibition, which incuded what appeared to be a shitty, ramshackle wooden kids toy with wheels, made in grandad Rolf's shed..
In actual fact, it was a 'fantastic' piece of artwork which the 'designer' had inscribed all sorts of things onto the table thing at the end. Seems when was creating other 'art', he would spin the thing - like a roulette table - and where-ever it stopped, he would follow the instructions written at that point. Thus, he recently painted a picture, then spun the wheel and "did what the table told me - I put the painting in the washing machine!" Well, feck knows what the end result was, but I bet his white t-shirts & Y-fronts that went in the next day came out a funny colour. Maybe his mum battered him after her best table cloth came out looking like a Rolf Harris splatter-painting or a 1970 PINK FLOYD psychedelic album cover design...
Lunch was 'challenging' - assorted sea monsters, including some crabs wearing red g-strings, which had no impact on my trouser tackle...first up was a plate of chicken's feet - big ones, probably genetically modified with dollops of radiation. Maybe they were vultures of pterodactyls - whatever, they were huge and gross. Hell, I half expected bloody GODZILLA to be dragged out of a tank, bashed on the head with a stick and boiled up in front of me for the main course...
It's only day one, so I guess there's time for that tasty treat yet...
I fly back to BJ Thursday (that would be nice...)....
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