Godzilla is in Beijing!!

Sitting on the plane at Manchester, I thought "Oh shit...here we go!" when the Captain (very British) said (with a very stiff upper lip, but clearly very cross) that we would be delayed because the plane next to us had a fault and the engineers were going to rob a spare part off our plane "because we have 2 fitted and technically only need one to fly". I assumed he wasn't talking about the bloody engines. We could here the drilling and hammering, and all sat very quietly, hoping anyone needing to catch another flight from Heathrow (like me!) wouldn't miss it....eventually,we took off 45 minutes late, and in his own words "we'll put our foot down to make up the time" - he certainly tried because we were there in a flash, although the rapid descent had my ears bursting like I'd been sat at the front of a Led Zeppelin concert.

I still had some time to wander around Heathrow, which was like a huge Tesco's but the carpark was full of planes. Lots of shops selling stuff at twice the price of Tesco's (including the mucky '50 Shades of Grey' book, which I know you've all got, or at least had a sneaky peak of at Tesco's...the place is full of southerners and people who jabber in strange tongue (like here in China!) and everyone has lots of bags, so more money than sense. I treated myself to "Prog" magazine for the plane and a newspaper that had a huge insert about the explosion in banking in China (so I looked intelligent). I read that first (to show commitment) and after reading it from cover to cover, conclude "China banking is on the up - like everything else in China...but they are still comparative amateurs....but they'll work 10 times harder than anyone else to overcome any obsticles". Which just about sums the whole place up.

I thought I'd have all 3 seats to myself on the VERY large plane, but at the last minutes, 2 young Chinese girls arrived - brimming with 2 i-phones each, an i-pad and one of those ghastly electric book things that will see off all the bookshops. She could have been reading '50 shades' for all I knew (I'd hoped for that, I guess!) but it was in Chinese - maybe she was reading "The survivors guide to sitting on a plane next to a British plonker who reads magazines about prog rock" - I don't know. They'd brought several of those giant bags of McCoys crisps that are always on offer in Tesco's and demolished the lot by the end of the flight. Food was good, although someone behind me disagreed and spewed the lot up. The stewards sprayed air freshener before the smell set off a chain reaction of synchronized vomiting up the plane like a Mexican wave of projectile spew, stopping only at the pilot when he covered the windscreen with the stuff, blocking his view and thus sending us all to an untimely death by crashing in the sea and my remains being eaten by crocodiles & sharks.

Anyway, the flight was good and proved 'big is best' when it comes to planes. I've heard that phrase before (ladies) but always previously disagreed.

As we flew out of the daylight in Europe, we flew into it over Africa so we never really saw the dark & bodyclock confusion set in. I didn't really sleep (the lingering smell of vomit may have helped) and so when we landed at 9.30am in the morning (2.30am back home) I was already bolloxed....and the lady who was picking me up kept calling "where are you?" as I tried to find my way around Beijing airport. It's MASSIVE and makes Heathrow look like an Aldi. She kept shouting "Go up - level 2!" which meant absolutely NOTHING to me - I later discovered that to get to her, I had to catch a train, walk several miles and up assorted escalators (no trolleys allowed, less I be shot by security men loyal to Chairman Meeow). When I eventually got outside, I learned my first lesson - CHINESE DRIVERS DO NOT STOP AT ZEBRA CROSSINGS. In fact, they don't stop at all. Even at read lights. They might honk their horn (TRANSLATION : "I'm stopping for no f*cker, and I'm comin' through!". Crossing the road here really is a challenge, and should be incorporated into any assessment centre.

Even though she is a local, she got lost when navigating across the city to my apartment, which is very nice. I'm sat in it now, in just some shorts because it's STAGGERINGLY hot & humid outside. AS the plane had landed, I'd thought "why is it so foggy?" - but it's SMOG. Everyting you've heard is true : some of the most polluted cities in the world are here in China. Some people wear masks, not because they are Michael Jackson fans an hpe his death was faked and that he may return to become a judge on the new series of 'X FACTOR', but because they don't want to die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

 

After a quick check in at the apartment, it was suit on and round the corner to meet the team and then out for dinner. A very nice gesture, but I'd rather have gone to bed as it was now well over 24 hours since I'd slept. I feared I might fall asleep, head first, in my soup, but the slection of 'real' Chinese food certainly ensured that would never happen. Some of it was nice (duck, sliced at our table, always into exactly 108 slices by a man in a mask) some of it less so (cabbage in mustard that was like eating one of those bloo toilet blocks - and I suddenly thought about the spewing kid on the plane)...then, after a quick change into casuals (not in the restaraunt, but back at my digs) I was taken on a tour of the local bars....this time I DID fall asleep, while attempting to watch the tennis (live, but now about midnight here). After finally finding my way home (the place looks different in the dark & under the influence of alcohol!) I fell into bed.

This morning (morning began at 11am!) we went for a walk 'into town' - very revealing. The new shopping centres are very impressive but VERY expensive - jeans around £200 and mens shirts £100...shoes £300 +.....decent brands but by no means 'top'. Clearly, a 'certain type' of person shops in these places....although it's significant that they were almsot empty.

 

They have 'supermarkets' in the basements, with a total overload of staff - literally a very smart assistant at each end of an aisle. I was looking at some washing powder (£8) and she was on me like a shot (!) - very helpful, but totally OTT. I was tempted by a box of 'Yorkshire Tea' that had a 'special offer £2.39' stripe across it but was £7.50 here. We had a Starbucks and it was the same price as back home - the place was full of the equivalent of our 'yuppies' - youngish people very image-conscious and playing with i-phones. My old Sony still has a 'Dixon of Dock Green' ring, but I may change it to a sheep or a cow just to raise the odd eyebrow. I fancy a change! Acually, tomorrow,we're off to get Chinese SIM cards so I can call home without having to sell a kidney. Need to open a bank account too...

On the way back, we found some proper local shops and I bought some trainers (so I can go in the gym!) and haggled with a right old cow and from the equivalent of £39 as a starting price, she eventually chased me down the road with them in a bag when I wouldn't move from my offer of £15. So as soon as I've finished typing this, I'll do downstairs for 5 minutes before I die in a heap. Lunch in a 'proper' local eatery was £3 for a really nice home-made burger and for tea tonight I'm heading for the noodle bar - £1.50 for a GIANT bowl. Local beer is about £1.50 a big bottle.

It's obvious already that the difference between 'haves' and 'don't haves' is massive - and in some cases, there's only a few yards between these areas - the 'true' locals live in very poor housing by our standards BUT such places - though run down - are never dirty. Often, there will be a lady with a tiny stove on a cornr, selling her own noodles. I intend to try them, to support them and somehow show my respect. I didn't take any photos for that reason, but will try at some point.There is absolutely no sense of 'danger' in thse areas, even at night. There are policemen everywhere, and local security on most blocks, but they don't look at all intimidating - just bored.

Talking of boredom, you'll be falling asleep reading this, so I'm going to the gym.

I've asked my good friend Ian to upload this for me, because all social media is blocked here - I can't get on TwitterTwatter and athough I can SEE my blog (and your comments), I can't update the page. Very clever, Chairman Meeow!!

Be good, and check back soon for updates.