Woman with giant melons lying on her back looking up at me...

It's not what you think (Mrs G, take note)....

 

I was walking to get my evening fix in the noodle bar (giant bowl - £1.50) tonight and thinking of just why I shouldn't go to the gym on the way back instead of coming to my apartment and drinking tea (and moaning about the shit milk). In the end, I decided "Because going to the gym is totally f*cking BORING", and decided that was good enough reason for anyone. I walk up the escalator at work several times EVERY day (going out for lunch / going to Starbucks for a brew in the foyer etc) so that should be enough to make me look like Usain Bolt (but paler) by the time Mrs G sees me again.

 

Anyway, I digress.

 

Walking outside my apartment block is as risky as a lift-off in the Space Shuttle or wrestling a homosexual Great White shark - the roads here are full of crazy, crazy people 'driving' car (I use the term loosely). I'm sure several of them are blind, as they drive in completely the wrong direction to everyone else, and certainly ignore all traffic signals. A red light here clearly means "We've stopped all the traffic so YOU IN THE TAXI CAN DRIVE STRAIGHT THROUGH". Crossing the road (or even walking down the bloody pavement) means you have to have eyes in your ears and arse as well as the back of your head, and as I'm 'challenged' in the eye department, I have to try extra hard to see my own bed here each night rather than one in a hospital.

 

Anyway, I could almost smell the noodles (and the bins outside) when I heard a crunch of metal, a scream and what sounded like a bell behind me. Sure enough, half under a taxi was a bike. It was a three-wheel thing, with a huge box welded on the back - a real home-made job....suspect Uncle Jack had made it in his shed (or here, Uncle Wang, in his kitchen). In the box, and rapidly emptying and rolling down the road were several dozen giant melons. Under the lot was a woman, still 'sat' on he thing, even though it was on it's side and half under the taxi, and I'd swear the daft cow was trying to text a message or send a morse-code message on the little bell that all these bikes have - just like the one little girls have on their 'MY LITTLE PONY' bikes back home. I suspect the message she was playing was "YOU TOSSER, YOU HAVE JUST RUN ME OVER AND MY MELONS ARE ROLLING DOWN THE BASTARD ROAD!" - she wasn't very happy. She was shouting and jibbering a lot, as they do over here very quickly when 'animated'. To be fair, back in the UK, we'd start fighting, swearing and kicking, and Americans would start shooting or invading the driver's country of origin.

 

Anyway, most people stood and watched, rather more took the opportunity to get some free melons, and it was left to me and an Australian guy (could be worse - could have been French) to extract what looked like a Chinese version of Imelda Marcos out from under the car, while she continued to play 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on the bloody bell. Meanwhile, the taxi driver simply hung his head out of the widow, looking down at her and jibber back. I assume he wasn't saying "My good lady, may I purchase some of your rather fine fruit offerings so that I may take them home and share them with my loving family?" Or even "Sorry I've just crushed your bike and with it your livelihood - can I give you a lift home or to Halford's to buy another?"

 

On the basis that the woman didn't even say "Thank you, my good man - by the way....are you James Bond from Britain?" I helped gather a few of the surviving melons (I had to make it clear being British didn't make me a rioter and looter) although rather more were squashed by the pasing traffic, none of which sopped to help or ask if they could assist with a blood transfusion. Or even fix the bell. And then I carried on to the noodle bar for my tea.

 

They sometimes give anyone they recognise as a regular a free side dish (I assume some shite that's about to go off). Tonight - incredibly - it was a slice of melon.

 

Ding dong!

 

IMPORTANT NOTE : The photo is not actually of the woman in question. I simply Googled "Woman with 2 melons". I will now examine the rest of the search results in the privacy of my bedroom.