Doin' the Mooncake walk...

Some sort of traditional festival over here - Mooncake or something. Everywhere you go it's 'order your Mooncake'.

 

Trouble is, I've never met anyone who actually likes the stuff.

 

Anyway, the owner of my apartment block (yellow Ferrari) invited us to a Mooncake party in the restaurant / garden. I'm trying to get a free room out of them for when the family visit, so I've already kissed the manager (closing my eyes - not in ecstasy, but to prevent me heaving) so stooping to standing & admiring someone elses' Ferrari is nothing. Particularly if the drink in my hand is free. Which it was.

 

To be fair, the setting was lovely, in the garden, and the wine exceptional - I've missed decent wine over here. The food was much better than I expected, so we stayed rather longer than we intended. They had a 'band' on - 3 girls singing & playing traditional Chinese stuff, but then - amazingly - openly played a CD and mimed along. It was worse than watching my dog mime to Pavarotti - not at all convincing. I squirmed, and almost ate some Mooncake, Luckily, I didn't.

 

A young lady came and sat at our table (there was no-where else to sit) and I felt obliged to smile (seeing as she was barely 4 feet from me) but she worked hard to avoid eye contact. She obviously thought "OH MY GOD -I'M SAT OPPOSITE A MASS MURDERER!". To me it's just being polite, but everyone over here just seems to want to shag each other. I felt like saying "Look, you mare, I'm trying to be polite. I'm British, I'm James Bond and I'm from Manchester.I am a GENTLEMAN!" - but all that would have been lost in translation, as I can barely say "Hello".

 

Bizarrely, after 15 minutes, she suddenly started jibbering at us, and we got on rather well (she clearly thought I was daft). She asked us to guess how old she was,and even I'm not stupid enough to do that, but she wanted to guess our ages. She thought long & hard, then placed my pal at 38 (he's 42) and me at 40 (I'm 50) - cue high 5's all round. Mind, she did add "It's dark".

 

She ate like a pig, as everyone does here, and she eventually got to the Mooncake. Thank the Lord I didn't try it. It was effectively pastry, with egg in it. And egg pie. NOTHING is more revolting to me than egg. Eggs come out of chicken's arses. Haven't these people discovered JAM yet? Is a plain Victoria sponge or Lemon Drizzle cake too much to ask for?

 

It all went wrong when - as the banter increased - in proportion to the free wine - we joked about how much food she'd eaten. I suggested a doggy bag. (You know what's coming, don't you?). She looked puzzled. I replied "You don't know what a doggy is?".

 

I think at that point, the evening took a different turn. My pal shook his head.

 

We actually all left at the same time (when the free food & drink stopped) and my pal went to meet a girl he'd met via "Lookaround" or something on his Batphone, And the poor girl had to get in the lift with me. She looked a tad uncomfortable, and I felt I should say "Look, I'm just daft. I'm the only man in China who WOULDN'T try to shag you!", and to be fair she said "If you want anyone to show you round, let me know", which was nice.

 

I think my pal HAS since shagged her.

 

I'm just grateful she saved me from eating Mooncake.

 

Next day, my pal said "You were incredible - it was fascinating to watch & listen to you - and I have learned EVERYTHING there is to know about NOT chatting up a girl!". I explained I had no intention of doing so - I was being polite (since when is talking about doggy style polite?) and friendly. Funny, too in my own way. I am what I am - take me or leave me. Of course, she would choose to leave me.

 

And I'm convinced that - every time she presses for the lift, and she sees it coming down from floor 11, she hides behind the wall until she can see I'm not in it.

 

Like I say. All I wanted was advice about the Mooncake, so my unique charm got me what I wanted. Ladies - be warned. I'l do anything for a slice of Vicoria sponge or lemon Drizzle...