Went to Shanghai yesterday to renew my visa. Nice to travel in my scruffs, no laptop, plan being to fly out. someone meet me, take me to the embassy, do the paperwork, fly back same day. A pal did the same recently, but stayed over because the pace is full of very attractive Russian ladies. Not my scene. (Too flat & I ain't payin'.....oh, and I'm married (nearly - skin of my teeth, there!)) Be like doing Roman Abramovitch's sister (I'm sure I spelled his name wrong there but Google is down so hard luck). He also said it was a very 'aggresive' place, particularly at night. Even in daylight, I'd agree....
Landing at the airport, Taxi driver #1 refused to take me to the hotel my 'helper' was going to meet me (I'm incapable of filling in forms) - he just didn't fancy the journey there for some reason. Unless I smelled funny? They often do that here (smell) and pick & choose their customers. I've had two try to throw me out part-way hen they've been radioed a better offer. Anyway, the guy at the airport who lines up the taxi's heard him gibbering and (I assume) said "You can't pick & choose - take the man or don't come back". So, I had a very angry Jenson Button (well his grandad) as a driver - drove like a right twat at top speed, hand on his horn all the way there. Tried to terrify me and won hands down. I should have vomited over the back of his head. He was so aggressive, his engine warning light kept flashing on his Hyundai Dogturdo. Hope he gets piles, his car breaks down in the middle of no-where and as he tries to fix it, he gets eaten by dingos.
Walking - not in straight line, I was so dizzy - to the meeting point in a hotel (he insisted I make the last part of the journey on foot - he stopped tr, pointed and - I assume - said "F*CK OF AND WALK THE REST OF THE WAY!". Unless he was saying "Would you like to come for tea with my family, and be Godfather to my new grand-child?" Didn't sound like it...
I saw a young father taking photo's of his daughter (about 6) posing by a HUGE poster of Jackie Chan. He was taking loads. I walked upto him and gestured if he wanted me to use his camera and take some of the two of them. He was utterly perplexed, but took up my offer - I did loads, for a goo 10 minutes. He was still baffled, but grateful when I finished, shaking my hand. His face said "Why?". I said "It's kindness. I am a kind man. God bless & protect you and your daughter, even if her clothes are - in my humble opinion - a little inappropriate for one so young". OK, I didn't say all that, but I felt like I'd done a good deed.
This was rewarded by a man who came up to me and said "Shopping?" - to which I replied "no". So he gave me a card showing scantily-clad Russian ladies and a phone number. I think he was asking me if I'd like to make a donation to a hostel for women who were homeless (and clothes-less) so I told him "I SUBSCRIBE TO SEVERAL CHARITIES AROUND THE WORLD - INCLUDING LOCAL TAXI DRIVERS".
The visa was done (I think - I'm still here, anyway) and I needed another taxi back to the airport. Oh dear.
So, having met Mr Angry in the morning, now it was Dick bloody Turpin. Outside the embassy, a driver walked me to a 7-seater mini-bus thing. Having been bitten in the bollocks before, I said "Oh no!!! METER, METER!!!" (those taxi's don't have meters so you have to agree a price first or get a nasty shock at the other end). Then "I NO PAY FOR BIG CAR - ONLY ME!!" to which he said "Good price, as no families today, I get at airport". Then "I NEED FAPIO,FAPIO!!" (receipt).
I'll not bore you with the full story (my fingers are hurting, and I only use 2 to type) but - naturally - the goalposts moved and our agreed price was disputed at the other end. I refused to pay more than we agreed just to get a receipt. IT got a bit ugly, but in the end, he shook my hand - he'd been trying it on and hoped simple intimidation would work. At one point, said "I AM FROM MANCHESTER - OASIS - HARD BOYS. MY BROTHER NOEL WILL BATTER YOU AND LIAM WILL SHIT IN YOUR DRIVERS SEAT". Well maybe not all that bit is true.
The plane was delayed an hour (nice surprise, only 1 hour) so I now had 4 to kill. Bored, bored, bored, bored bored!!! Had the WORST Mc Donalds I've ever had - must have been a fake one, like the Rolex the kid was wearing. Thought "Great - in 4 hours, just as the plane takes off, my guts will explode like Vesuvius." Some people think plane toilets are erotic, because they've seen too many daft films. I'd rather crap (or shag) in a fishtank, field or shop window.
On the plane back, the newspapers were the same as the ones on the journey out (logical) and as I wasn't prepared to pay £8 for last week's 'Autocar' I had nowt to do or read - even the thought of the safety briefing was exciting. Sadly, the opportunity to stare at a woman stretching a condom to extreme lengths (see photo) and being contractually obliged to flash her tits to a load of men while doing so (and in a uniform) has been removed from the ever-dwindling list of pleasures in my life. We now watch the briefing on the shitty little screens on the back of the seat in front. They are worse than the ones you but EVERY year from 'Argos' to keep the kids quiet when driving to Cornwall on holiday.
When the plane took off, I couldn't figure out how to get it to work (or even switch on, if I'm honest) - I pressed the 'attendant' button 3 times thinking it was the 'on' button. I suspect they said "There's an odd bloke in 43L - he pressed the help button 3 times, and I don't know what the f*ck he wants. He's the same bloke that looked at my tits when I gave him his complementary yogurt".
The woman next to me knew her stuff, and watched "Illegal Blond 4" or something. A blond American girl had a dog that had a Versace VIP card...it got kidnapped and she ended up as the President. I worked all that out without the sound, and by watching it out of the corner of my eye.
I didn't have the nerve to say "Can you help me turn mine on and find the porn channel?"
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