I know many of you read this expecting me to be grumpy (or at least pretend to be grumpy) - but always entertaining. Or else you'd watch cricket instead.
Well, not tonight. If you've come expecting to be cheered, up, you'll soon be reaching for the knife draw instead...
I didn't feel particularly joyous going to work this morning and it was bloody freezing (even if I do only have to walk for 94 seconds before I get there)....
I kept hoping something would cheer me up, but it didn't, so I just slumped lower & lower in my chair. The other guys kept poking me, hoping I'd entertain them, or thinking it would cheer me up...since when does POKING someone cheer them up? Unless you're a naked woman with a decent chest, I suppose and she hopes I'll return the poke...
Anyway, at lunchtime, I made a bad choice and was given a plate of rice and stringy dog - so left it and sat with my arms folded. Joe - The German - made his most profound (and intelligent) statement ever when he said "It was minus six degrees this morning...but there is no ice or frost....because there is no f*cking moisture in the air in this bloody place!" He's right - as anyone who paid attention at school will know, ice / frost is frozen water contained within the atmosphere (come back next week to learn how to split the atom!)....the air here is SO dry, everyone is buying a steam / moisture thing for their desk / apartment. I got one and put a plant next to it thinking I wouldn't have to water it.....the bastard died!!!
Anyway, the day got no better, SKYPE wouldn't work when I got home so I went down to the gym (shows I was desperate) to get away from 4 walls, and I hoped there was a punchbag so I could batter it like an angry Mike Tyson....well.....sort of.....(use your imagination guys).....
I ran 4 kilometers without actually getting anywhere, which is something I always said I'd never do...I don't know how far 4KM is, because I'm not French, and I still work in miles. It felt a long way - I normally do 8 (impressed?) before I die, but tonight I wasn't even in the mood to jump off at the end and hold my hands up like I'd just won the world title, and shout "THANK F*CK FOR THAT!"
I had a shower & decided I needed to eat. Bored of eating the same bloody stuff, I went to a new place, but the menu was all in Chinese. Some of the photo's were appealing, but the blurb next to them could have said "This is boiled bats bollocks, and our chef has added so many hot spices, no-one in their right mind would ever eat it, and if you did, your arse would burn for 30 days and 30 nights"....so I walked out.
Why can't they print it in English? If a Chinese bloke walked into Harry Ramsbottom's Fish & Chip place, he'd know straight away that if he ate Harry's Challenge, he'd get a free pudding and a lolly for the journey home (or is that a Little Chef?)
Anyway, I ended up in a Thai place, hoping for a nice green curry - I remember having one where the most gorgeous waitress served me - but it wasn't to be, and I ended up with a hot iron plate thing with sausages & chips on it. Stuff Thailand - I wanted something that tasted of home! I'd have eaten bloody yogurt!! When it came, it was much smaller than on the photo - the sausages were like those tiny ones you get on sticks at kids party's, and they were smoky. What is it with smoke and pigs? Who the hell actually EATS smoked bacon? Whenever Tesco have bacon on offer, there's always loads of the smoked stuff left when the proper stuff has sold out - because no f*cker likes the smoked stuff!! It's just not natural...if you were driving past a burned-down farm, and there was a sign outside saying "SMOKE DAMAGED PIGS FOR SALE", would you pull over? Fancy a smoke-flavoured milk shake? Smoke-flavoured Christmas cake? No - so who invented smoked bacon, and now bloody sausages? So I ate the chips and walked home, composing this ramble in my head on the way.
I can't even be bothered to spell check it, read it back for mistakes or even write anymore, so I'm off.
Where's that whisky?
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