When is a gift not a gift?

I'm sat here in a hotel in Cangnan - don't ask me where it is in China, as I really don't know. I really DO just turn up at the airport and get on the plane. Everywhere sounds the same to me. On the drive from the airport, the place reminded me of Beirut, but with trees. The roads were designed for tanks.

 

My hosts gave me a lunch of cold food that was supposed to be hot - I cannot each such like. And cold plates, too (a real pet hate). I made it clear I'd flown squillions of miles to help them, and was sulking, eating fruit. There followed a comical scene involving tiny 'tea-light' candles under the trays, with me shouting ever louder "haven't you got a microwave?" (accompanied by hand movements mimicking the dish going round and a microwave-type noise)....

 

In the end, they all looked terrified of me and the poor kiddy in charge said "KFC?"

 

Tonight, they tried to make up for it by taking me to a fish restaurant - apparently, we are near the sea. The entrance was full of dead and dead-on-your-command-and-then-cooked-for-you fish and other stuff from the sea, a variety of which was placed before me to eat - heads, tails, eyes -  which was like asking The Black & White Minstrels to reform for the KKK Christmas party. I'm a dab hand now at looking like I'm enjoying such food, appearing very full very quickly (patting my tummy "yum yum" (sarcastic sod)) while inwardly revolted to the verge of projectile vomiting over my kind hosts....

 

Back here at my hotel, I've eaten more complimentary fruit and hope that at breakfast I can stock up - like a hamster - on enough food to see me through the day. An entire loaf of toast will suffice if there's some decent butter, although porridge is a dream, ideally served by a lady with a delightful chest....what a Christmas treat THAT would be....

 

Just brushing my teeth, I noticed a fine display of razors, toothbrushes & bits that one often really DOES need in a hotel, and as I need to shave my bits (too much information?), the razor would help pass a few moments. I then noticed a very (very) small sign - "non-complementary gifts".......eh?

 

So isn't that like handing your gran a nice scarf for Christmas and when she says "Oh, isn't that NICE?!!!!", you respond by saying "I'm glad you like it, you owe me ten pounds fifty - here's the receipt!"? (This is just before she says "Can someone run me home now, I want to put the light on for Polly the budgie....")

 

Or putting a fiver in the collection plate at church and asking for the candlestick off the altar in return? Giving a busker a pound and helping yourself to his guitar?

 

It's a contradiction of terms on a massive scale. I'm tempted to use them all, and argue when I check out, after printing out the definition of 'gift' from the Dictionary (in English, of course)

 

I just hope breakfast isn't just bloody dumplings.....whoever thought of that? Porridge....Frosties....toast.....Lurpak.....the woman with the delightful chest....

 

.....no comparison......Britain - here I come.....