My daughter called me the other day, knowing I have a love for films, to tell me she was going to the cinema...I think she was hoping she could see a new movie at the Odeon before I got to see it here, on my telly in my apartment, on one of my dodgy DVD's, bought from my most favouritist ever shop here in Beijing.
Indeed, I hadn't seen the movie in question, mainly because I have absolutely no desire to watch it. It's called 'The Fault in Our Stars', and it's about a teenager who is dying of cancer, and his relationship with his girlfriend.
Now, forgive me for presuming, but I think it's a safe bet to say the film could be potentially....well....a bit....SAD?
Of course, it was, and the next day, my daughter said "Oh, it was great but we cried!! It was SO SAD!!!!" - as if it was a surprise!!!
I asked her if, without actually seeing it, what she thought the outline story would be to the new GODZILLA film...she got it pretty much spot on. Why hadn't she applied the same logic to the other film?
It's a fair bet the kid was gonna die, just like I'd bet my last fiver Godzilla would wake up from his prehistoric kip, come out of the sea a bit cross, and trample all over Tokyo or - as it is a Hollywood film - New York, or even assorted American cities, because he disappears (even though he's HUGE) from time to time, giving the hero (and his fit girlfriend) time to work out how to kill the bastard. In the meantime, lots of stupid soldiers will shoot at him, before he stands on them, and fighter & helicopter pilots will say "This is from AMERICA, GODZILLA!" before firing rockets that do sod all except make him more angry (he then swots the planes out of the sky with his hands & tail).
I've not seen it yet, but I bet I'm not far off...
Oh, and at the end, he'll slip back into the sea for another kip, until it's time for the sequel...
Actually, the man at the DVD shop (he will be Godfather to my next kids, if I ever father more) always tells me if a new film is shit quality (literally - it's the only English word he knows - I hold up a new DVD and he either gives me thumbs up or says "Sheeet!" - and he had the Godzilla film in. This time, he kept pointing to his mouth, but for the sake of a quid (with covers - the ultimate bargains!) I took it, thinking it might have a Chinese dub, but English subtitles. In actual fact, it had no fecking sound at all!!!!!! But the picture was perfect, and when Godzilla appears, I made the famous Godzilla noise / roar to enter into the spirit of it all. My neighbours must think I'm mad, but some of the noises the woman makes are even weirder...
Last up today, some examples of more daft signs, 'lost in translation'. Tons more here, and some crackers - do take a look : http://www.seenox.com/2014/05/29/40-bloodcurdling-chinese-mistranslations-ever/
To be fair, when I'm trying to communicate with the locals, I often tap words into a translate APP on my phone, and either get a smile or frosty look back. I might punch in 'Can you tell me where the toilet is?" but actually show them "You have a face like a hamster's genitals and smell of goat turd". I guess it could be worse & one day I'll get smacked - "My good man, could you kindly tell me where the fruit market is?" coming out as "Your wife is pig ugly, but as I'm gagging and had a lot to drink, can I shag her, with your shopping bag over her head?"
All good fun, and OiC - 'Only in China'...
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