Fawlty Towers (China)

Just checked into my hotel for this week....don't ask me where it is....(looking around my room for something with the name on...oh, yes, it's on the phone - ZHENGZHOU).....I was on the plane for about 90 minutes from BJ, which I guess means I'm mid-China (if it went downwards on the map) or near Russia (if it went upwards) - so now you know as much as I do (even more if you actually look it up on a map, which is more than I do!)

 

'Breakfast' on the plane, by the way, was a dry bun (literally, a plain bun) and a bottle of water. Yum. Thrown at me by the stewardess at a speed that equalled the plane's forward trajectory....

 

I digress....

 

Checking in at my very nice hotel, I became aware of some jabbering, and glum faces from my translators / colleagues. I said "what's wrong?" and the hotel manager said "I am sorry, no hot water in hotel. Hot water broken!"....

 

I said "That's a bummer - we flew from Beijing at 5am this morning and have been in a meeting with no air con and no milk for the coffee all day. Saying you have no hot water is saying there isn't actually a bed in my bedroom!"

 

(Pause)

 

"When will the hot water be back on?"

 

(Pause)

 

"Soon - tomorrow, I hope."

 

(Pause)

 

Then (incredibly) - "Would you like hotel loyalty card?"

 

(Very short pause)

 

"I'd prefer a fucking bath!"

 

Coming down later for dinner, I wondered what they would be cooking the rice in, and similarly how they proposed to wash my shirt (part of the compensation - the shirt would be clean even if the body inside it was not)

 

Back in my room typing up this week's column, I've put 3 bottles of water into the kettle - I'll use that to wash my bits later before bed. The photo shows the cold water appears to be being pumped in from an underground swamp, too. And this lot think they are the next America? Give me a break!!! Add it to the list -

 

1 - Discover knifes & forks

2 - Stop gobbing in the street (and in restaurants / on planes)

3 - Invent grids, so the place isn't flooded everytime it rains

4 - Invent hot water. The Romans may give some pointers....

 

(Just had a call from a colleague - we can use a room in the hotel next door if we want a bath :what a perfectly GHASTLY idea....)